Everything You Need to Know Before You File for Divorce
Before you move forward, you need to know all of your options in order to figure out if divorce is the right option for you.
The decision to divorce itself is part of the process. Follow along for more information about the steps involved and how they can be managed to preserve both your family’s and your mental and emotional health.
Divorce is not your only option
Not many divorce attorneys will tell you that there are alternatives to divorce. Before you even consider the process of divorce, you must decide if divorce is truly the best option for you and your family.
If you and your spouse have not met with a marriage counselor, in most cases you are not ready to make the decision about divorce. Remember, your decision will be expensive - financially (both short and long term) as well as emotionally (for you and your children). This is the reason why you absolutely need to seek out the help of a therapist to help guide you through your decision and even after to help you navigate the very difficult process of divorce.
Your first step in the process of divorce is to do one or both of the following:
Meet with a marriage counselor or therapist regularly.
Meet with an individual counselor or therapist regularly.
Work with the counselor and make sure to give the therapeutic process enough time. A benefit of participating in counseling prior to starting the actual divorce process is that one of the biggest obstacles to divorce is that one spouse wants the divorce and one spouse does not. This leads to two people divorcing who are at different emotional stages of the divorce.
As you can imagine, where a person is emotionally can dramatically impact how efficiently you reach a resolution to your divorce. The longer your journey, as in most cases, the more expensive and emotional taxing – for you and your children.
Invest in therapy. You will see the benefits of it as you navigate the divorce process.
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Divorce can be stressful
Divorce likely rates in the top most stressful periods of your life. Unfortunately, when people face stress, they often look for very unhealthy ways to cope with it.
Some of those coping mechanisms include:
Drinking too much alcohol and drinking it too often.
Drug use. Keep in mind if you enjoy marijuana for social purposes, continuing the practice during your divorce is not the best idea, particularly when decisions are being made about the time you spend with your children. Ask yourself, if you wouldn’t leave your kids in the care of their friend’s parents who enjoy recreational drug use, why would a Judge? It’s simply a risk that is not worth it.
Combining alcohol with prescription drugs. Taking certain drugs that are prescribed by a doctor to cope with depression, anxiety and even Bipolar Disorder is generally the right decision, but you must be careful about drug interactions. Many individuals refuse to stop drinking alcohol while taking these substances and there can be serious consequences for doing so. Follow the drug recommendations and your doctor’s advice.
Not exercising.
Not eating healthy. Eating poorly can affect your mental health, not just your physical health. Take care of your body during these stressful time. The body is a complex animal and the hormones that keep everything working well are very much tied to the types of foods you eat and your stress levels.
Due to the high levels of stress, often people choose the easier methods to help them cope. Instead, engage in simple lifestyle changes that will help you better navigate your divorce with a clear mind such as:
Wake up everyday at 5:00 a.m.
Exercise every day in some way.
Take a walk in nature for 30 minutes to help relieve anxiety.
Keep a journal and write down things you are thankful about each night. Practice gratitude.
Focus on quality time with your children. Put your device away and ask your children to as well.
Stay away from processed foods and eating out. Try your best to eat simple and cook at home.
Meditate for 10 minutes a day.
Get at least 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night.
If you practice these basic lifestyle changes, you will find that navigating the stress of the divorce process will be much easier.
Divorce can impact your kids just as much as it impacts you
The problem is that in divorce, it is very easy to become somewhat selfish and forget about how the process is affecting your kids.
Remember, they have two parents. They see themselves in each of you, and when you talk negatively about the other parent (even if it is a friend on the phone), they often internalize it and take it personally. Please be careful about what you say around your children.
Simple questions you can ask yourself will have a high impact on your children’s well being:
Am I saying no to the schedule change because of our children or is it because of me?
Am I asking for a schedule change because it benefits me, or will it genuinely benefit our kids?
Is this something I want our children to remember later when they look back at this divorce?
Always remember to ask yourself, what would our children say about this in 10-15-20 years?
How will this decision affect our children as adults when they navigate their own relationships?
Kids grow up. There is a reason why there is a higher percentage of children from divorced families who divorce themselves.
To be clear, your choices now and how you behave during and after your divorce will absolutely affect the relationships your children will have as adults. Set them up for success by your actions now.
What to expect in a divorce
What to expect in a divorce depends on three factors:
The process of divorce you and your spouse select.
The attorneys you and your spouse select.
How you and your spouse communicate and each of your goals.
If you select a traditional, litigated divorce and you each select the most aggressive attorneys possible while you and your spouse refuse to communicate, your divorce will be painful, long and expensive. These are what we call “High Conflict Divorces.” They are incredibly painful. I never wish them on anyone, particularly children, but sadly they happen more often than any divorce attorney wants to admit.
A large number of couples have traditional divorces, but select experienced attorneys who know the benefits of mediation. In these cases, although the experience can still be expensive, ultimately, most couples will successfully divorce and be able to co-parent fairly well, which leads to less post-judgment litigation. Let’s be clear, the attorney bills don’t end when you divorce with children. There are often years of bills if you and your spouse cannot seem to get on the same page in terms of how to co-parent effectively. This is why a therapist is instrumental in preparing you both for divorce and your new normal.
The process does not have to be as expensive or painful if you and your spouse communicate well and have similar goals - for example the desire to have financial security for themselves and their children, and happy, healthy children after the process. These are couples who are drawn to either pre-filing Mediation or Collaborative Divorce. They are able to look past their differences and treat the process more like a “business” partnership break up with the most precious asset of that business being their children.
Choosing the right method of divorce
It is often very helpful to speak with a divorce attorney about what method of divorce would work best for you and your specific circumstances. It is important to meet with a family law attorney who is a certified mediator and collaborative attorney so that you can get an objective understanding of the different divorce processes from someone who practices in all areas.
There are generally three paths to divorce, and one alternative to actual divorce in Michigan:
Traditional, litigated divorce that involves the court system.
Pre-filing mediation.
Collaborative divorce.
Alternative in Michigan - Separate Maintenance or “legal separation.”
How long does divorce take?
In Michigan, it takes a minimum of 60 days (if you have no minor children of the marriage relationship) and 180 days if you have minor children (of the marriage relationship). This is statutory. Of the 180 days, 120 can be waived in certain circumstances, particularly in cases of collaborative divorce, but this varies from Judge to Judge in Michigan.
The courts in Michigan require your case to have the Judgment of Divorce entered or the first day of trial completed within 365 days from the date you filed a Complaint for Divorce. Usually, the date of your trial is set much earlier in a traditional divorce based on the Court’s Scheduling Order.
One of the benefits of Collaborative Divorce is that you are not subject to the Court’s Scheduling Orders, rather, your case is essentially put on hold procedurally while you and your spouse complete the confidential collaborative process outside the court system.
Pre-filing Mediation is similar in that couples participate in mediation to resolve their divorce and even enter into a Settlement Agreement before they file for divorce. In that case, they file for divorce jointly and the process again, bypassing many of the procedural aspects of traditional divorce (such as Scheduling Conferences, Formal Discovery and Settlement Conferences).
A general rule of thumb is that the clock starts ticking under any process as soon as you file a Petition for Collaborative Process, Complaint for Divorce, Petition for Consent Judgment or Complaint for Separate Maintenance.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
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Research the divorce process for your state.
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On average, the cost of divorce in Michigan is around $4000.
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Most divorces take 60 days to nine months. If children are involved, it can take anywhere between 6 months to a year.
DISCLAIMER:
This article is provided as general information, not legal advice, and may not reflect the current laws in your state. It does not create an attorney-client relationship and is not a substitute for seeking legal counsel based on the facts of your circumstance. No reader should act based on this article without seeking legal advice from a lawyer licensed in their state.
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